FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
