He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
