I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He shit in the fireplace
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
