And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
