my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
