sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
