she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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