Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
