I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
