I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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