Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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