remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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