I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
