I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
