We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
