I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
