I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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