WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
