Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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