I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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