Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
