All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
