Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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