Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
