Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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