Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
