I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
