We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
