the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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