If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I believe in your delicious
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
