I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
