Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
