so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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