I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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