i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
