I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
