I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We had to coat check the pizza.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
