I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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