Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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