Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
