and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
