Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
