I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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