When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
