I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
this just has baby written all over it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize