Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
