okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
