Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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