apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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