i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
