I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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