i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
it's like heaven, but drunker
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
