nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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